See The Little Butterfly

Creating loving boundaries

Ah Spring! The buds and leaves are unfurling on the trees and shoots are bursting forth from the earth. The streams are rushing, birds are nesting, baby animals are being born and even the butterflies will soon emerge. This feeling of emergence is happening to us and our young children too! We will once again take off our shoes  and splash in the stream and see the children frolic in the meadows like the lambkins on the farm. It is beautiful to watch, it makes our hearts sing and yet….its not so easy to call them back when we need to transition to another place or activity. It is like they are in a fairy dream without a care for their surroundings. They may look back and see us when we call but they keep going.

This freedom is sweet and idyllic in a meadow or stream, but a parking lot or busy street is quite a different matter. This has been a common topic of conversation in my parent coaching sessions especially in Spring! Young children need our loving boundaries to keep them safe and there are several things to consider when creating this space for children to follow our lead:

Rhythm and Expectations: How we design our days and weeks are so very important to the healthy development and willing participation of the young child. Keeping things simple and going about our day in the same order with a balance of in breath and out breath activities is pure magic when raising a child under the age of 7. It helps them feel safe and know what is coming at every moment.

 Consciousness and Presence:  Let’s face it, that Spring-time dreamy-ness will cast its spell on us too! If we are distracted or feel a longing because the weather is warmer or tired because the sun stays up longer or the pollen is getting to us, then it is much harder to hold the loving boundaries in place for our children. The expansion of this time a year should be celebrated but we still need to stay present and attached. It might mean that the days become simpler to allow for more time for transitions. We can lay in the meadow with our child and look at the clouds a little longer if we let something else in the day go. When we are with our child we are fully present so they feel our connection and are completely held by it. They feel our attunement and want to join in.

Unruffled and Calm: This is hard when our child is screaming or running away from us but we can be the pillar of strength and security our child needs even during extreme moments. Even though it seems like it, deep down, our children are not trying to push our buttons. They really do want to be with us - they have merely lost their way and need our help to find their way back.  Age, attachment, repeating negative patterns and our ability to be present play big roles in this. Sometimes we take it personally or get emotional but that doesn’t help our child in the moment. When this happens, we can take a breath and start again, remembering to stay calm and even in our demeanor but firm in our resolve. If we loose it, and of course we all do, we can reestablish the connection with a snuggle or a smile and then a simple, “I’m sorry, I don’t like getting angry. I was just so worried about you and I need you to listen to me/stay with me” This will go along way to repair and calm the space. 

What is appropriate for the young child

• Natural consequences: This is so important because it helps to establish boundaries the young child can understand. “I’m sorry you are unable to stay with me. We will have to go home now” This is far more effective than the “if…..then” approach because it isn’t an idle threat or reward system. When you stand behind what you say, your children feels safe and doesn’t continuously need to test the boundaries or learn negotiation skills aka emotional bargaining.
• Follow through: You will need to be fully prepared to gently lead or carry your child out of the park or leave a full shopping cart at the check out counter. We tend to try one more “if you promise to….then we can stay” But that only insures that you will need to do this over and over for years to come. It is ok for your children to feel dissapointment. If you allow them to go through the emotion fully, with empathy, they can process it and be more successful the next time. 
• Consistency: This goes along with follow through. Children need us to hold the space for them. We know they thrive on repetition. If you can do it the same way each time we will find the sweet spot and there will be alot less resistance. 
• Gentle guiding touch: This helps your child reconnect to YOU. Smiles, humor and a calm voice can accompany touch but really the less said the better. A loving gaze is usually all the young child craves.
• Playful Imagination: Because the young child is fully in their will, they relate to action more than words. When words do accompany action, the more playful and imaginative they are the better. Your child will really respond to imaginative pictures. Here are some examples:

“Oh goodness little birdy you flew too far from the nest. Mama bird can help you now”

 “ The train is at the station. Toot! Toot!  Come hop in before the doors close. I wonder where it’s going”

“I skip to the car and you skip to the car and so, so together we go!” 🎶

Singing always helps!

What is your child telling you?

If you can notice what is happening in their environment when your child isn’t listening or following your lead, you may find ways to keep it from happening in the future. Here are some things to consider:

• Are you here with me Mama? Are you yourself present or distracted? How has this been up to this point or even for the last few days or weeks? A distracted and distant parent keeps the child wondering where their safe harbor is.
• Why is this okay to do today but it wasn’t yesterday? Do you change the expectations often? Does your child know where the boundaries are? If they don’t know where they are, they will keep searching.
• That’s too tight or I want to be free or You only hold my hand when you need me to do something? Does your child find it easy or difficult to hold your hand? Holding hands is one of the most tender experiences for a parent and child relationship but it needs to be cultivated from the very beginning when your child has first mastered walking and can balance on their own. Accompanying your child by hand helps them feel safe and grounded. If it is a warm and loving experience, they will soon learn when to hold your hand and when they can run free. 
• It’s too loud- I can’t hear you or Oooh that looks fun, I’m going to go check it out.Are there unusual sensory stimulations in the environment ie: sounds, distracting sights, smells? A young child is easily detered by their senses. They need extra guidance and love during these moments.
• I don’t feel like myself. Is your child unusually tired or not feeling well? They need extra guidance and love during these moments too.
• I want to…never mind I would much rather have that hug from you. Can you pause before an anticipated behavior and establish a strong connection with a hug or special song? This is a good practice to help change unwelcome habits that have been allowed to go unchecked before.

Growing it Up: 

You will always be your child’s safe harbor no matter how far they roam. Helping them know that and learning what the physical boundaries are will help them establish their own boundaries and self love as they grow into adults. Observing and attuning to your child with love and equanimity and a deep curiosity will help them stay connected to you and learn where they stand in the world for years to come.